The Biggest Problem with Anxiety

The biggest problem with anxiety is not that it feels physically terrible or that it makes us worry excessively about a lot of things. It is...

The biggest problem with anxiety is not that it feels physically terrible or that it makes us worry excessively about a lot of things. It is that it gets in the way of a full life!

When we feel anxious, we have a very difficult time handling uncertainty. Anxiety makes us crave control. So, we play out different scenarios in our head, desperately trying the find “the one” that will make us feel in charge. We assume nothing is going to work out. We decide we're not attractive or likable. We hedge and spend a lot of time developing plan B, and C, and D, instead of focusing on the task at hand. Eventually, we decide there's no point in trying. We stay put. We compromise. We play it safe. Repeatedly. And so, anxiety prevents us from living the life we want—the life we deserve.

We take more secure, yet less interesting jobs. We don’t go up for that promotion that we know we deserve. We only date people who like us more than we like them. We stay in relationships that are not working for us because we’re afraid of being alone. We don’t exercise because we’re afraid of being judged. We don’t do X because we’re afraid of Y. And this formula plays out again and again.

And then, we tell ourselves that once we’re less stressed, once “things are easier,” we’ll be more proactive. We'll take those chances. We'll be that person. But we won’t. Because if we stay on this path, the anxiety will get stronger and stronger, further taking more and more stuff away from us.

So what can we do about it? There’s obviously not a one-size-fits-all approach, but these are some strategies from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that my clients find helpful—and so do I!

1. Be proactive! Anxiety won’t go away by itself. We need to face it. One technique that I particularly like is that of “opposite action” from dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT). It basically consists of doing the exact opposite of what an emotion is telling us to do. So, when anxiety is telling us no not take a chance, we actually go ahead and take the plunge. We don’t wait for the anxiety to change. Instead, we change our behaviour around it! This is also at the core of exposure therapy, which is a form of CBT for anxiety disorders. The more we do those things that make us anxious, the more in control we are—and interestingly, the more the anxiety goes down.
2. Embrace uncertainty. This is very important because no matter how you look at it, life is most certainly uncertain. When we are pursuing a goal, we can put our best effort forward, but we do not have ultimate control over the outcomes. This is particularly true for big life decisions that tend to depend on lots of factors and people. So, starting your day with a reminder that there’s only so much you control can be… liberating and empowering.
3. Think of a friend. This is a very classic CBT strategy that I love because I’ve seen it work with client’s time and again. When faced with a tough decision, ask yourself, “what would I tell a friend in a similar situation?” Somehow, when we take ourselves out of the equation, we become much more balanced in our thinking. We can more easily integrate our rational and emotional sides and therefore feel less anxious and paralyzed.

As always, these posts are for educational purposes only. If you suspect that you—or other people in your life—might be struggling with mental health problems, please reach out to a mental health professional.